Marnie and Me

s1 ep5 of Girls giving me whiplash

I feel my heart pumping through the back of my head. My trachea will explode. My chest feels like it’ll rip open from all the drumming.

I just watched s1 ep5 of Girls on Crave. Funny fucking timing.

The thing about being a 22-year-old girl watching a 23-year-old girl go through the same thing, but on screen, is that it gives you too much insight into yourself. The boundaries between reality and fiction fizzle, because fiction seems too fucking real. I am of course referring to Marnie and her boyfriend. The one that’s disgustingly nice to her and that she keeps holding on to because she’s never been loved like that.

When he discovers how she feels about him, he decides he wants to break up. He’s the one who lists the logical facts: they don’t have kids, they don’t share a house, they’re only bound by the time spent together. He chose her. He kept choosing her. As he tried to shimmy her off of him, Marnie kept promising she’d do better.

Then in the middle of make-up sex, he gets vulnerable, and the carousel starts over. He says “stay”. He asks her to keep her face over his as she rides him. He says “I love you.” And that’s when she snaps. She can’t do this. She realizes she can’t do this. Her body jerks up, she hits her head, he immediately goes up with her to check on her, whispering over her skin “I’m right here”, and she says : I want to break up.

What wouldn’t I have given to see the twitter discourse on this as the show was rolling out. I wonder what people thought of her, at the time. About how she only started dating him because she was scared. About how she stayed with him not because she loved him, but because of the way he loved her. About how she begged him not to break up with her, how he asked her to take him seriously, and when they were going to seal the deal, she abandoned him.

Of course she didn’t want to break up with him! She has a job, a bestie, an apartment. All that’s missing is a steady, long-term partner. She has it all. She’d be stupid to give up a man who is still infatuated with her four years into a relationship. Not only that, but a man who is a good person. He has a job, an apartment, and emotional intelligence.

See, my girl is smart. Marnie tells an artist that cigarettes are bad for you. She dresses herself up to mature herself. She arranges for her friend’s abortion (for which she doesn’t even show up) and then gets frustrated because she feels like her time and effort were not properly valued. She’s doing all the right things. So why isn’t she happy with him? She clearly wants to be. She’s got such a good routine. I’m sure she thought he’d be a good dad. He would be next to her, holding her hand, if ever she were in labour, pushing a kid out. He’d celebrate her wins even if she wouldn’t match his enthusiasm when it would be his turn. She’s gorgeous, and, all things considered, he’s overall pretty good too. He is the smart choice.

So why can’t she keep on loving him?

Did she ever stop loving him? Did she ever stop thinking he was nice, gentle, present, supportive, and established enough? Probably not. Those are valuable Pros. But maybe, just maybe, she would get sudden tugs at her heart in random situations. She’d be sitting in his car, during a road trip, and she would think Is this really the person I want to spend my life with?

Is this it?

And these thoughts would suck all the air out of her lungs. A small black hole that she would try to pass off as innocuous.

Maybe it was just a parasite thought. It had no foundation. They’re too young for her to make assumptions like these. He hasn’t figured himself out yet. People take different paths in life. He may not manhandle her, but he would stand by her if she got cancer. He wouldn’t leave, despite being 24. They are young, but he would choose her. And that black hole in her thorax has one simple message: she wouldn’t choose him back.

The boundaries between Marnie and me are fizzing out. And I hate to look myself in the mirror.